I'm going to put this one out there since fellow bloggers and friends are dealing with the same issues right now. Maybe this will help.
It's been 3 years since my Dad died. It was a hard week and we (OB, Mrs. OB, Homer, and I) got through it with the understanding and support from our friends and family. The reality is, and still is, the week sucked. We each have our own stressful memories but mine hit on the 13th. The service was on the 14th and I had written a story about my father to share with everyone who was going to be there. My father had so many different groups of friends and not one single person knew his whole story. My goal was to tell that story, let people share, and feel that I had done him justice in words. This was the night (and still is) that I couldn't sleep because I had to steel myself to stay strong. I rehearsed that speech over and over. I knew the only way that I could get through it was if I was so comfortable with the words, that I would not get lost if I stumbled. I could barely even read the paper because my hands were shaking so bad.
Tonight, I have the same knot in my stomach that I had three years ago. Blogger Sheri says "the body remembers" and I think that is true. I'm tense and apprehensive for no good reason except memory. I had been able to push all of this down until I was in Oregon and with Mrs. H's family. I saw my best friend going through my path, her sister and brothers all with the same sleepless and out of place looks on their faces. It was a reflection of my own face from 3 years earlier.
In the last three years the day to day has gotten easier but there is still guilt, sadness, and loss that remains. I know this will ease. Our mother died in 1996 and while that was in totally differnent circumstances, the pain has passed. We do what we can with the people in our lives to the best of our ability.
It's been 3 years since my Dad died. It was a hard week and we (OB, Mrs. OB, Homer, and I) got through it with the understanding and support from our friends and family. The reality is, and still is, the week sucked. We each have our own stressful memories but mine hit on the 13th. The service was on the 14th and I had written a story about my father to share with everyone who was going to be there. My father had so many different groups of friends and not one single person knew his whole story. My goal was to tell that story, let people share, and feel that I had done him justice in words. This was the night (and still is) that I couldn't sleep because I had to steel myself to stay strong. I rehearsed that speech over and over. I knew the only way that I could get through it was if I was so comfortable with the words, that I would not get lost if I stumbled. I could barely even read the paper because my hands were shaking so bad.
Tonight, I have the same knot in my stomach that I had three years ago. Blogger Sheri says "the body remembers" and I think that is true. I'm tense and apprehensive for no good reason except memory. I had been able to push all of this down until I was in Oregon and with Mrs. H's family. I saw my best friend going through my path, her sister and brothers all with the same sleepless and out of place looks on their faces. It was a reflection of my own face from 3 years earlier.
In the last three years the day to day has gotten easier but there is still guilt, sadness, and loss that remains. I know this will ease. Our mother died in 1996 and while that was in totally differnent circumstances, the pain has passed. We do what we can with the people in our lives to the best of our ability.
My thoughts are with you, as I'm sure the loved ones who have passed on are as well. At least, that's what I'd like to believe...
ReplyDeleteMs. Kitty
The one thing that made those days possible to get through was the three of us sharing the tasks and decision making that has to get done.
ReplyDeleteOB
Thank you
ReplyDeleteI remember your dad's memorial so well. You're right that no one knew is whole story but that day I learned so much about my best friend too.
ReplyDeleteLast November marked the 8 year annivesery for Tina and it is better each year. Getting together with those that understand is the best therapy in the world. Anyone who has lost someone close to them understands the crying and the laughing that happens. As the years go by the laughing and remmebering take over the crying and the pain is replaced by an incredible warm feeling along with a determination to enjoy life more.
LJ
It's been three years for my mother and every day that I spend with my father now is so different. The process of death is so incredible - each story different - each sad or celebratory. But, the one thing that is consistant is that we learn from it. We make every day afterwards more special than we might have before. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteWould you mind if I linked your blog from mine?
M